It’s no secret that staying at home has given us a lot of free time, AKA a fun opportunity for our overthinking and wide imagination to mess with our minds over these last few months. Hated and unwanted memories have passed by our eyes like a slideshow titled “embarrassment: a lifelong journey” with us cringing and wishing for the ability to just burn them b gaz.
One of them might be the recalling of a certain boyfriend or two that we regretted dating for all the obvious red flags and stupid reasons why they should’ve never even been considered anyway. They might have looked like amazing men, but they’re actually screwed up. So, this is a list of supposedly “date-able” Egyptian men we’ve all (unfortunately) engaged with.
ONE: Shab El Sahel
Life of any party, who takes nothing seriously, adores adventure and always has crazy stupid ideas. He’s good looking, he knows it and so he acts upon it. Abs, a tan, beach buggy, and boat all day every day, a lot of girls might fall for someone like him out of boredom, get in a relationship with him for 2/3 months, and then forget he even exists when they go back home and start school again, basically he’s the not-so-perfect-perfect summer fling. The problem here would be if she hadn’t understood that from the beginning and actually ends up catching feelings. Oh lord the tea – the sad breakup songs, the ruined favorite Sahel spot, the drama! We only see this guy during summer, he never leaves the north coast AKA his natural habitat. At any other time of the year, he mysteriously disappears, possibly hibernating in God knows where.
TWO: The Wannabe Sarsagy
His name is probably gonna be Omar, and he’s the one who happens to have a bunch of cool friends whom he sticks around as an attempt to look tough and feel valid. If he’s got some money, you’ll find him vaping – el vape 3onsor asasy awi fel no3 da – all the time, to the point where the only thing you’ll see during video calls with him is his precious tool and smoke all around his hint of a mustache. His posts on IG – the app not the system – usually consist of him and a fancy car that doesn’t belong to his underage ass, and his stories are filled with hookahs, pictures with any Figo ElDakhlawy or Hamo Bika song, that might have a dog or a motorcycle from time to time, and car rides on a highway at 4 AM with ‘El Regala’, just because he’s that cool and saye3 you know? There’s also a chance he’s recently come across the term “mat3ayatsh/mat3ayateesh” fa beyerza3ha f ay conversation.
THREE: The Fuckboy
Typical story: a funny, athletic, charming guy with pretty eyes and a jawline, who’s sweet and nice to everybody, hence why no one has a reason to hate him, except those he dates, why is that? Because his relationships have never lasted longer than two weeks, he pulls a Zayn Malik on all the girls (breaking up over text, saying how bad he is at commitment), moving on so quickly – that is, if he hadn’t already cheated – to the next girl, who’s convinced herself that he acts “different when it comes to her” and that she “knows the real him, that hides behind this mask he puts on” and finally ends up heartbroken and in tears. I’ve heard many times from friends of a dear Fuckboy, that he’s actually a really good friend, but not so much of a boyfriend, and that’s why most of his female friends would never date him – they know better.
FOUR: ‘Totally’ Boyfriend Material
This is the one who only remembers he’s in a relationship either when bored or needing to post a story. Basically, his priorities are his buddies and PS4, he probably just got a girlfriend as a flex, because he shows her off on social media, having her in his arms, getting all cute and lovey-dovey in front of a camera, then ignoring her for the rest of the night. And she’s not dumb, just hooked onto a few made up excuses as to why he acts this way, fake words and “I love you”s. This often ends with the girl having enough and deciding to break up with him; writing him a huge paragraph if it went down by text, casually blocking him. If it happens and he, by some miracle, learns from his mistakes and does better in his next relationship, and the ex-girlfriend hears about it, 7aga men etneen: ya she’ll have an Ariana Grande “look at you, boy I invented you” moment, ya a Kiana Lede “It’s a shame she gon know everything I taught you” one, either way; it’ll hurt
FIVE: The Khazoo2
By that, I mean the one who girl bestfriends fall for, suddenly fight over, forgetting all their pinky promises and “sisters before misters” rituals, turning into rivals over a boy who’s not even THAT attractive or decent. What’s nerve-wracking is that sometimes he doesn’t even end up with either one of them, and goes for another girl, fa kol da 7assal 3ala mafish. What did we get from that? Broken hearts, messed-up friendships, tears and ice cream dates spent alone without the recently lost bff. Sad, just plain sadness, wel wad kol da mesh 7ases b 7aga wala fare2 ma3ah. I’m telling you: Khazoo2
Now here we have my three personal favorites: el solasi el mare7, Oscar-worthy performers, Lahfa ElHalawany’s long lost cousins; lying and fooling others is their specialty, social media is their stage and their followers are front seat watchers.
SIX: The Victim
Our own drama queen loves playing the role of da7eyet el mogtama3, the outsider that nobody likes, mashakel el donia kolaha metarba2a fo2 demagho. In other words, he loves dramatizing any problem he has, complaining and whining, knowing that girls have socialized protective ‘instincts’ and taking advantage of that. He’s sure that they’ll pity his manipulative ass, try and talk to him, see what’s wrong and help him out, so they’ll grow closer, then he’ll start flirting and you know how the story goes from there.
In reality, he’s doing good, the only drama he might be living is how single and needy for female attention he is.
SEVEN: The fake feminist
We have all seen one of those; the hardcore “feminist” who respects women, wants equality in the future, tweets hashtags and speaks highly of all the females he knows and has heard about. Only acting this way in front of girls he’s trying to impress, like a Saint preaching with so much passion and charm, almost like he believes what he’s saying, almost. Like, he’s pretty well educated in the cause and matter, almost. Like there’s finally hope for the future, for him to be different than all those who try and tear women down again. That is, until one of these “this you?” tweet pops up on our screens with his tagged username, and feels like a scene of a wealthy well respected politician getting arrested by officers for committing fraud. And then they ask us why we have trust issues lol, gotta love’em.
EIGHT: Eli Beygeeb Wara
He’s the opposite of the fake feminist but still has the same purpose; getting the attention of any girl. Basically, he couldn’t get anyone to like him for who he is and became so desperate that he decided to provoke outspoken women, during any controversial or sensitive topic, getting on their nerves, saying all the wrong things, because he knows they’ll respond and be ready to get into a heated, serious debate with him. At this point comes the part where he’ll switch to a flirtier mode, becoming a cool chill guy hona lel ta3arof el gad, trying to calm down a “crazy” girl, taking back everything he said a few minutes ago.
And lastly, a small reminder that all of you smart, kind, beautiful and successful queens don’t need any of those shitheads to feel worthy of love or anything else. Pick up your crown and be your wonderful self unapologetically.